Tuesday, September 01, 2015

A Full Year

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As we approach the final weekend of the summer, many writers can’t help but remark how quickly the time has flown by, how hard it is to believe that summer’s come to an end, all the while fully acknowledging that it’s cliché to do so. Yet there it is. It’s hard not to.
Summer is the one season we never seem ready to let go of. The warmth, the long days and ease of it all is a welcome respite from the rest of the year filled with early morning school buses, meetings, appointments, the holidays, and for the majority of us lots of cold rain and snow.
And yet, year after year we have no choice but to surrender to Mother Nature, as we collectively make our turn around and away from the sun.
The turn from August into September will always represent something deeper and more personal for me than just the passing of a season and the end of warm weather and play. It means that a full year has passed since a light brighter than any Sun went out and I came to know darkness darker than any moonless night.
A full year since I last held my sweet angel.
A full year since I kissed her goodbye.
A full year since I watched as she took her final breath.
A full year since she surrendered.
A full year since we let her go and released her back to God.
A full year since my world was flipped upside down and smashed to smithereens.
A full year.
Time does move quickly whether we’re ready or not. One observation I had as we counted birthday after miraculous birthday, was how children really force you to pay attention to the passage of time. When you have a new life become a part of your life you see how quickly it all goes by. Another year. Another birthday. Another miracle.
We’ve now gone through all the firsts without Mia. First holidays, first birthdays, first anniversary, first everything that comes in the span of a year. And now here we are. The first anniversary of the ultimate surrender and return to the beloved. To say it was a hard year for us only scratches the surface of the range of emotions, highs and lows we experienced. The immense suffering that comes from such a loss.
I often find myself existing on two planes, one where the suffering shakes me to my core, brings me to my knees, and fills me with the deepest sadness and grief imaginable. The other plane is where my suffering is Grace, Mia’s Grace, where I am filled with an undeniable understanding and acceptance of the perfection of it all.
I learned a lot from her during our nearly 8 years together but the most important lesson in all of this is that Mia showed me how to live unconditionally. The love that exists between us is something that will never die. It has always existed and continues to exist beyond her physical death. Love is boundless. Love needs not take any from, though it often does and quite beautifully. Love is as pure an uncondition as there is and I feel Mia’s love with me still, in the quiet moments, when I am still and open.
Mia’s life was her gift to us, her grace. She showed us how to live with the purity of the heart, to do everything from a place of love.
Her light has not gone out. I can see that now. It’s just different. It fills my days and carries me on. She is the air that I breathe. She is the waves in the ocean. She is the bee buzzing in the flower. She is the flower. She is the warmth of the sun. She is in the changing leaves. She is the falling snow. She is the whole universe.
She is.